I began my journey with what I call Journaling Prayer over 5 years ago. I have 16 of these journals and if my house was on fire, these would be what I would save. 

My husband was recently diagnosed with metastatic melanoma in his lungs and then 2 weeks ago in his brain. Here are some examples of my journaling.

LaWanda speaking - I see you standing behind us, Lord.  Mike and I are on the loveseat.  Your hands are on us, Lord, blessing us and loving us, as we laugh and talk and love each other.  Thank you, Lord.  Oh, Jesus, how precious is knowing that you are blessing us during this time – your love permeating us during this time.  I know you have always been there, Lord, but seeing you is special.  Allowing me to see you here is such a gift.  Thank you.

Jesus speaks -  LaWanda, my dear one, my precious, precious one.  Yes, I have ALWAYS been there with My hand on you but you needed to SEE it now.  You needed to KNOW it now more than ever. The coming days will not be easy, LaWanda – but knowing that I am quite literally with you (as in my hand is quite literally on your shoulder) will help you walk through it.  The burden of it is resting on MY hands and not your shoulders, LaWanda.  Receive the blessing and let me have the burden.  You were never meant to carry it.  You were meant to give it to Me with your “I can’t do this, Lord.”  Otherwise, it sits there, wearing you down and that is literally where the weariness comes from.  Wearing your burden instead of giving it to me does not help you or honor Me.  So let it rest on MY hands, even as they bless you in the process.

Another day – LaWanda - Jesus, precious Jesus.  I praise you, Lord, this morning.  How gracious you are to us, to me.  Your love so great. I see you, Lord, in this very moment looking down on me.  Your heart is breaking for me.  You feel my sorrow for you took it on your body for me on the cross.  You know it well, Lord.  You reach out and touch me so I can feel your presence and I know that you are here.

I see you smiling at Mike as he finishes his race  He is getting close to the finish line but he is not there yet.  You smile as you watch him take each step toward your outstretched arms.  The angels are on either side of him cheering him on.  What a glorious sight, Lord.  Thank you for allowing me to see into the heavenly realm.  Thank you, Lord.  What a gift of grace you have given me today.

Jesus -  LaWanda, my dear one, my precious one.  Just as the angels are rejoicing at Mike’s journey so are they rejoicing at yours.  One day you will be doing exactly what Mike is doing now.  You will be close to the finish line but that is not what the angels are rejoicing about for that time has not yet come.  They are rejoicing at each step of your journey.  They are there beside you.  I have given them charge over you so that you do not even hit your foot against a stone.  You may feel like you have fallen at times but they were there at my command to protect you. LaWanda, fear not.  Fear not in this moment and fear not for the future.

LaWanda - What I am feeling now, Lord, seems more like sorrow than fear for this present moment.  I do have some fear that tries to creep in about the future without Mike financially but I am able to keep that at bay right now.  Help me, Lord, to focus on NOW and to keep my eyes on you.

Jesus - LaWanda that is what you are doing right now by coming to sit near me in the private place. You are keeping your eyes on me.  I am here.  I AM HERE. You cannot fail/lose by spending your time in the secret place.  It’s where I guide you, where I lead you, where I love you and where I comfort you.  It is where I AM.  And in my presence. LaWanda, you need nothing else.

Another day – LaWanda - Oh, Jesus, the sweetness of your love.  How precious you are to me.  How your love covers me.  I love you, Lord.  Help me to focus on the tasks at hand.  Thank you, Jesus.  Thank you Lord, for bringing everything to mind that I need to tell Diane.  Precious Lord, I thank you.  You see my heart and know that I want to have integrity in my leaving.  Help me Lord to honor you, Woodbranch and myself.

Oh, Jesus.  I see you today…whispering in my ear as I sit before you.   I am at rest in this chair simply waiting to hear your voice.  But I do not really have to wait for your voice is constant.  So comforting it is to me, the sound of your voice, Lord.  Thank You.

I see you waiting for us both at the “finish line.”  Your are smiling, arms stretched out so wide.  I hear you say, “Come, sweet ones, come!”  I am with Mike as he walks but it is his journey, not mine.  The breath of the Holy Spirit is behind us, beneath us and all around us moving us forward.  Oh how precious, how comforting is His presence as we walk.  I am in such absolute awe of you, Lord.  The completeness of your love is so great.  I am undone.  Undone with love, sorrow, gratefulness and everything else all mixed in.  Thank you, Jesus for your presence.  You ARE the Great I AM!

Jesus - LaWanda, my dear one, my precious, precious one.  Do you think I am just saying these words as a salutation to begin my speaking here?  NO.  That is not true.  I am calling you dear, beloved, cherished, highly valued and precious because that is who you are to me.  This is how I see you.  I see every “undone” tear that you shed and I know, even if you do not, what those tears contain.  Love for me, awe of me, sorrow now and grief for what you are losing, even as you see it drift away before your very eyes.  I have every one of these tears, LaWanda, every one of them in my bottle.  Nothing – not one of them – has escaped me.  I have seen every single one from the tear duct to the Kleenex.  What you feel, I have felt and that is why my comfort is so powerfully reassuring.  Because it is real.

Oh, precious one.  I love you and I gave myself for you on the Cross so I could be with you now.  So I could wrap my arms around you in this time…and you would know it.

This is my desire for all my children but some are oblivious, do not know me and cannot feel my presence.  But this is not the case with you.  If you had not accepted me you would be one of those who cannot hear me or feel me, do not know me and are totally alone.  You, by my grace, are not alone and can never be.  You are constantly comforted by my very presence.  This is what my love does, LaWanda, what my presence does and will continue to do.  You are not alone and the grace of this is that you know it.